Rules Of The Road For Ladies
In driving, as in life, women have different needs than men. After years of, on the road, research, my husband and I have come up with the beginning of a, new and necessary, Driver’s Manual, that caters to the very delicate (and sometimes, bossy) needs of the female. As our research continues, more installments will be added. Have fun and compare our rules to what you witness from women drivers on the road. Yes, I am a female driver, myself, but that does not make me oblivious to the faults of my gender. Having been blessed with the ability to drive like a trucker, I feel that I am in a position to view this topic from both sides.
Getting Ready to Drive
Upon entering your vehicle, adjust your seat in a way that gives you the most complimentary view of yourself in the rear view mirror. Then adjust the mirror in a fashion that allows you to admire your hair, at a glance.
*NEVER examine your face in ANY car mirror that is in direct sunlight. You WILL see frightening things, you would not, normally notice, and get the urge to drive into the nearest tree.
In recent years, a big deal has been made about wearing a seat belt. Yes, they can come in handy, when restraining a child or propping up an elderly relative, but all women are, legally, exempt if the following conditions exist:
- Monthly bloating causes discomfort
- You have gained a lot of holiday weight and the act of trying to stretch the seat belt around your new girth will depress you.
- The seat belt might wrinkle a linen outfit.
- It inhibits your range of motion when applying mascara on the highway.
*ALWAYS have a current calendar, highlighting your menstrual cycle, in the glove compartment. This is crucial for the inevitable moment when you are bothered by a picky cop about the absence of your seat belt. (Refer to condition #1)
Remember, in the event of an accident, a seat belt can trap you inside your, occasionally, overturned vehicle, thus making you late for a nail appointment.
*Keep in mind…a seat belt can, also, ruin a perfectly good pair of panty hose.
There is a hidden reason for each color on the standard traffic light.
The Green Light tells us to, simply, continue through the intersection, unless, of course, you are in the mood to stop there, for a moment to wave to a friend or look for an item in the car. If this is the case, ignore the rude honking.
The Yellow Light is really just a joke, a placeholder (if you will) between the green and the red. NOBODY takes it seriously. It is simply the D.M.V.’s way of saying, “Hi”. The same holds true for the Flashing Yellow Light. It is to be ignored. It is a a waste of taxpayer’s money, and is, merely, a whimsical greeting; just the D.M.V’s attempt at humor.
The Red Light is an annoyance to women. It occurs more often than the green or yellow, because it is the most popular color. It’s purpose is to entertain children. In some cultures, the dreaded Red Light means to, actually, stop moving for a minute or two. The ONLY reason you must abide by this, is when the male driver, in front of you insists on stopping. If this happens when you are in a hurry to shop, a long, steady pressure on your horn could get things moving. If there is, still, blatant refusal to move, a gentle, but firm, nudge to his rear bumper is in order.
There are times when a situation on a two or three lane highway produces the need for everyone to merge into one lane. This is a real bummer, but keep in mind that, as a woman, YOU ALWAYS have the right of way. Blast your music and stay in your favorite lane for as long as possible. If others try to sneak up to the front, just straddle the line, or weave from side to side; try it – it’s fun. Even if it looks like another car might drive right into the blockade, you DO NOT have to be polite. His safety is NOT your concern, and besides…YOU were there, first.
Left Lane Driving at Slow Speeds
You CAN, if you WANT to! If someone doesn’t like it, gently, roll down your window and shriek, “Jump over me, you #$%&!” Then extend your arm out the window, floor the gas pedal, and wave to him, making sure to use all of your fingers.